And in financial news today, the Dow Jones industrial average rose 237 points as bargain hunters scooped up ailing stocks following yesterday’s 777 point freefall. Despite the modest snapback, Senator Skoultchi from New York is still aggressively pushing his proposal to rename the index the Down Jonezing industrial average, at least until such time as lawmakers can get their heads out of their Aston Martins and agree on a plan to resuscitate the economy.
Senator Skoultchi acknowledged that he knows virtually nothing about economics or finance (and, quite shockingly, that he’s not even a Senator), but that the renaming makes sense because Americans demand transparency from our political and financial leaders. Never known for his oratory skills, Skoultchi was quoted as saying “Holy crap – did you see what happened in the market yesterday?! They oughta rename that index the Down Jonezing industrial average.”
He went on to say that prior to becoming a fake senator, he worked for many years as a name development specialist at a brand name development firm named Catchword, and that in all his years of consulting for Catchword he had never seen an easier target than the words “Dow” and “Jones” for a market index that was spiraling ever downward and in desperate need of a cash fix.
“I mean, c’mon, it couldn’t be any easier if the index was named the “Halp Mead industrial average. Alright, that’s not the best, but you get the point.” he was quoted as saying.