Apple Licenses Another Cisco Trademark: The Future of Apple’s “i” Products
Apple has now licensed their second trademark from Cisco. First they settled with Cisco and licensed “iPhone” (Cisco previously owned the trademark for handset phones). Now Apple has launched their new operating system name, iOS, also a Cisco registered trademark.
Is Apple simply browsing the list of Cisco trademarks that start with “i” and retrofitting their products? I got curious and decided to check the USPTO database for other Cisco marks that Apple might someday license. Below I’ve listed a few actual Cisco “i” trademarks (current and past), and I’ve decided to predict the products that Apple might create so that they can license the last remaining Cisco “i” brands:
iPort – Someday in the not too distant future, Apple will take teleconferencing and videoconferencing to the next level with the iPhone’s new teleportation app. Initially this app will be stumbled upon because Steve Jobs gets tired of relying on slow supersonic jets to transport him from one proselytizing gig to the next. And of course, Steve will never settle for “phoning it in.” Thus the Apple engineers will defy Einsteinian and Newtonian physics and deliver the iPort, the world’s first teleporter.
Here’s how the pitch might go: So you woke up late for work and you’re going to miss that important sales pitch? Forget conference calling into the meeting … Instantly teleport yourself to the meeting with iPort. Never be late for an important date again. Missing important events in your life? Now that’s a thing of the past. With iPort you can be anywhere, anytime. Teleportation. There’s an app for that.
(Legal Note: Apple may or may not need to sequence and store your genetic code for iPort to work properly. Further, Apple may or may not claim ownership of said genetic code.)
iQ – Recent studies have shown that the internet is making us stupider. Well, to be fair, the studies indicate that we seem to be retaining less of what we read because we know the information will be easily accessible online the next time we need it. But this presents a problem for the know-it-all who wants to appear omnipotent in front of his peers (ahem, Steve Jobs). Once again Apple’s best and brightest will make major scientific breakthroughs and discover a way to store all the info you ever access on your iPhone or iPad directly in your brain.
Here’s how the pitch might go: Do you hate wasting time looking up information on your iPhone when your friends already know the facts in question? Are you tired of losing debates because you hesitate and double check yourself on your mobile device? Well, fret no more! You’ll never forget important facts ever again with Apple’s iQ. Apple will program all the data you ever access on your iPhone or iPad directly into your brain. By seamlessly and surgically implanting a the iQ microchip into your cerebral cortex, Apple can now wirelessly imprint information into the memory centers of your brain via Bluetooth. With iQ, be smarter, more confident, and always right. Intelligence. There’s an app for that.
(Legal Note: Apple super duper promises not to use this open connection to your brain for ad sales or to erase any content they deem inappropriate for families or that they determine to be non-compliant with DRM standards. Further, Apple may or may not claim ownership of any or all content contained in said biological memory centers before, during, or after your unbreakable contract with AT&T.)
iWe – At some point Stevie J will decide to cross over into full-fledge dictatorship. He will realize that individuality and customization are not beneficial to the optimal functioning of Apple’s iOS devices. Apple will find it appropriate to create uniformity in the user experience by literally creating a uniform user. No longer will Apple have to create devices for the masses. Instead they’ll modify the masses to better match the limited functionality of their devices.
Here’s how the pitch might go: Want to get the most out of your iPhone or iPad? Do you hate it when your iOS device won’t do what you want it to do? There’s a simple answer. By subscribing to Apple’s iWe social network, you’ll learn to stop wanting things you can’t have. Instead, you’ll learn to lower your expectations and to have the same needs and desires as everyone else — the standardized needs that Apple deems appropriate. By making use of Apple’s patented iQ microchip, Apple will modify your impulses, desires, and the very content of your brain. You’ll no longer have those pesky personal thoughts and technological frustrations. With iWe you’ll be just like every other Apple user. Your iPhone and iPad will fit your needs perfectly because your very needs will be modified to better fit the functionality of your Apple iOS device. iWe. Where I becomes We and We become one. Uniformity. There’s an app for that.
(Legal Note: Apple no longer issues Legal Terms and Services. Going forward Apple will simply program your brain to no longer care about what Apple does or how we do it.)