Don’t Have a Cow: Unjust Farm Animal Epithets

By Mark Skoultchi

January 6, 2011

Is there any community of creatures more uniformly maligned than farm animals? Seriously. Isn’t it enough that we keep these animals hostage, squeeze their teats, feed them slop, spin their coats into cozy Merino sweaters, scramble their young, and just generally use these innocent heterotrophs to clothe and feed our own (disclaimer: I eat enough steak and eggs to choke 100 vegetarians and my most favoritest food is bacon con bacon)?

Do we really have to invoke these farm animals, use them as epithets, in order to insult each other? Maybe chickens are chicken, but there’s gotta be a more pusillanimous animal out there. Take for instance the Coton de Tulear, a canine from Madagascar and also the breed of dog I own. The thing is scared of its own reflection, and this is a 10lb, fluffy white dog that most people mistake for a Bichon. Not exactly the picture of ferocity. Yet every time he sees himself it’s like he’s looking into the eyes (or hair, as it were) of Samara from “The Ring”. ON THE SEVENTH DAY! Oooooo.

Or what about the guinea pig? Pfff. Total wuss. If a chicken came at a guinea pig the pig would retreat like a Rhino was bearing down on it. Or any invertebrate! Is a chicken really more spineless than a creature with no spine?? C’mon.

I’m harping on the chicken, but all the farm animals get a bad rap. To wit:

The Sheep. Follow you where? Over there? Okay, sounds good, I’m right behind ya, Joe.

The Pig. Will someone please save me from myself? I can’t decide if I want to gorge more or make a bigger mess. Maybe I’ll gorge first, then make a mess. I can always go back to gorging after I make the mess. That’s what I’ll do. Gorge, mess, gorge, mess, gorge, mess, etc.

The Cow. It’s no wonder I can’t seem to get a date on this freakin farm. Look at me; I’m just a big fat cow. I’ve been on the Grasskins diet for 7 years now and I’m still a fat cow! Sometimes it makes me so angry. One of these days I swear I’m just gonna have a cow.

The Goose. When I came out of the barn Pig was just standing there, coil spring tail just beggin’ to be pulled. I know it was silly, but I just had to do it! I just had to!

The Turkey. Why can’t I do anything right. I hate to complain, but it seems the harder I try the more I fail. I’ll always be a failure. Not to be dramatic, but just eat me now. Seriously. Eat me now and end this miserable cycle of failure.

The Donkey. Who wants to play “Who’s The Bigger Ass?”? C’mon, who’s in?!

The Goat. I freakin SWEAR I didn’t do it! Did you talk to Horse? Did you? Seriously? He said WHAT?? No f-ing way! OMG. That is SO f-ed up. He knows I wasn’t even IN the barn when that sh*t happened. I was out back polishing my horns. He was WITH me! Look at my horns! Look at them!!

The Horse. You aren’t attracted to me why?? My face?? Are you serious?? I mean, I guess it’s on the long side, but wow, I suppose I always considered myself sort of attractive. People even call me magnificent. And I’d say I’m pretty good in the hay, if you know what I mean. Did Goat say something to you? You shouldn’t listen to him – he’s sort of angry with me right now.

Rise up, farm animals! Dispel the stereotypes! Form a committee if you have to (but don’t put Turkey in charge). You are beautiful, and courageous, and smart, and independent, and, well, okay, maybe you’re not all those things, but there are plenty of non-captive animals that are just as dumb, and scared, and silly, and obese, and all of it, and you’ve been carrying these hurtful characterizations for far too long!

To start you off, I’m asking our readership to help us develop a preliminary list of candidate animals to take over your characterizations. Readership: we’re looking for dirty, obese, silly, dim, funny-faced and easily frightened animals to take over for our devoted farm animals. Any and all suggestions are welcomed.

  • Share This Story, Choose Your Platform!